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“Why Do I Love These People?”: Understanding, Surviving, and Creating Your Own Family

Surviving an affair can be long and arduous process for those trying to mend their shattered marriage and rebuild the trust that has been lost due to one partners cheating heart. affair surviving can be done however as many successful marriages have overcome the problems and in many cases have come through stronger and better than before; sound unlikely? Well read on for some tips on how to survive an affair.

1. Control Anger & Hurt

Before anything more can be done one of the biggest problems in surviving infidelity in a relationship is anger and hurt. These emotions serve a purpose and they are justified to someone in your position but those that give in to rage and depression over a marital affair can never move forward. For instance, you must learn when to walk away from an argument without destroying it, say you will be back after a walk because you are too angry to talk right now and continue the discussion later. Do not end the discussion completely and do not ruin it with a yelling match and end up saying hurtful things … just get the anger out of your system elsewhere then come back and try again.

2. Communicate

This can not be stressed enough! Some couples end up not communicating about the affair because they know it will lead to another argument and others purposely choose not to talk about it thinking that by burying the past it can be forgotten. Neither of these approaches work … what works and what is the hardest thing to do is to talk about the affair, find out the who, when and why because only by understanding the affair can we inject some truth back into a relationship and from there can mend the wounds and find out what needs to change …

3. Realize It Will Never Be The Same Again

This is a stumbling block for many spouses who just want things like they were before the affair and cling to that hope for so long that when it never arrives they end up even worse. The reason for this is it never CAN be the same way as it was, nothing will change that. There is however, one powerful choice you can make here that can end the misery in time; you can choose to create a new relationship out of the old one! This choice combined with what you have learned means you can leave behind the old relationship that m ay have indirectly lead to your partners cheating and create a new one together that can be affair-proof because both of you know exactly what you need to create a successful, happy marriage and both of you will want to be with each other exclusively because you give each other everything you both need!

So if you want to find out step by step guides on how to achieve these steps, overcome and survive the specter of the affair and create the new marriage that you want click below to find out more.

http://www.loveiscomplicated.info/affairs-cheating/

The horrible gut wrenching feeling knowing your husbad is having an affair can be a poison that will infect all parts of your life. The questions you ask yourself and the self doubt wear you down night after night. “Do i throw him out?”, “Can i ignore it and time will heal?”, “Did i fail him?”, “Can i save my marriage?”. All these things and more run through your mind ,making you angry, sad, scared and depressed. It does not ave to be this way however! affair surviving is possible and can be done by you if you do a few things right like these tips on surviving an affair.

1. Know the Affair is NOT your Fault.

While it can feel that you may have done somethign wrong that has driven him into the arms of another woman this is never true! While both of you may have made mistakes, (and who honestly hasn’t!) The truth of the matter is that HE mad ethe choice to have an affair! This means HE is the one who is at fault no matter the circumstances!

Your husband has made a decision based on a selfish desire to run away from a problem instead of solving it. The affair is a temporary indulgence in an emotional and physical neediness. The truth is that affairs are temporary things and hardly ever amount to anythign solid between the two having an affair.

2. You must find out just what type of affair is going on.

Affairs happen for different reasons just as people lead different lives and want different things. Here are some of the main excuses men use to justify thier affair.

My marriage made me do this!
I just can’t say no!
I just don’t WANT to say no!
I am not in love any more!
I did it to get revenge on my spouse!
I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive!
I just wanted to be close to someone!

Each of these excuses need different ways of being dealth with. Some are more to do with his ego exclusivly while others have more complex undercurrents. To be able to survive an affair you need to know exactly what you are facing!

3. Find out what is internally driving him to the affair.

This follows on from the previous tip, while you can find out the reason he may state is making him turn to an affair you need to delve deeper and find out what is really driving him!

You need to know what drives your man, how his past has effected him decision makign now, how he copes with relationships and more. How you do this will vary greatly but only once you find out what HIS problem is can you develop effective strategies with better decisions. You will also feel a lot better knowing you now have a clear path to follow and it is his problem not your own!

4. Ask yourself the tough question.

Now that you have worked out what is happening with your partner and undertsand him much more than you did before you have to ask a difficult question of yourself, “Do want to stay with him?”. While you probably answer yes straight away or you would not be reading this guide only once you have come to the conclusions you have after following the first 3 steps can you look at tyhis mroe honestly.

Basically you need to work out if you really love him and want to stay with him or if you just want to save your marriage based on your own feelings of insecurities and neediness. While this may sound harsh if you want him to be honest with you you must be honest with him and yourself, if you are trying to save a marriage based purly on selfish reasons will it be much of a marriage?

While you are askign yourself this now it is best to find out about him first before you can look at this question logically!

What are the odds of saving your marriage?

What sort of affair you are facing from tip 2 makes a large impact on how easy it will be to save your marriage and may effect how you approach this problem. Here is a quick guide, however small nuances in each situation may vary the end result so this is just a rough guide.

My marriage made me do this! – Hard to save. IF he is set in his mind that the marriage is the problem then obviously it will be harder to get a healthy marriage back.
I just can’t say no! – This is purly his problem and has a good chance of saving the marriage once he works it out.
I just don’t WANT to say no! – Not as good. He is choosing very logically to have this affair because he really wants it. This is still an ego issue though and he may still want a marriage back once the reasons for his wanting an affair can be solved. Better then the first not as good as the second type.
I am not in love any more! – Not as bad as it sounds, he is wanting with this type and while he feels the love is gone the marriage may still have appeal. Rekindling love can turn this around greatly!
I did it to get revenge on my spouse! – also not as bad as it sounds. Angry and petulant but he still sees you as his wife otherwiase he would have simply tried for a divorce.
I needed to prove to myself i am still attractive! – Again more about his ego than your marriage.
I just wanted to be close to someone! – IF there is distance in amarriage this could be problematic, this could be tough.

5. Predict the future

Once you are armed with all this information and can act on it you will also be armed with an important skill; Foresight. Using your new knowledge of your man and his desires, shortcomings and needs you can predict what will happen in his affair and your marriage.

USing your knowledge predict if he will have another affair even if this one stops. Use your knowledge to predict if the affairs are long term or just one night stands. Predict what sort of affairs he is likely to have, physical, emotional or mental?

Use this knowledge to see the future then act on it!

Affair surviving can be a hard road no matter what your choices but i hope these tips on surviving an affair will arm you with the information you need to make the right decisions not just now but for long into the future! Good luck!

It IS possible to survive an affair and infidelity. You may not feel like it is, if you’ve just discovered that your spouse or partner is having an affair. Chances are, if you’ve only just discovered the affair, or if suspicions of infidelity are so powerful they are driving you mad, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. However, there are specific steps or stages, mental shifts you will go through, that will launch you through this infidelity crisis.

Survival may seem a completely fitting word. It truly feels like emotional, sometimes even physical survival. The pain and fear can be excruciating and debilitating. It strikes at the heart of who you are, or  thought you were. Surviving an affair and infidelity means you make shifts in your thinking. You see, there are many common misconceptions about surviving an affair that make surviving an affair and the healing and recovering from infidelity much, much more difficult.

And, as you begin to make the shifts, you begin to survive the affair, begin to feel relief and a new confidence in your ability to say and do exactly what you must to not merely survive the affair but know what  you can do to possibly stop the affair, begin your healing process and perhaps save your marriage or relationship.

Surviving affair Shift #1: Avoid the Killer Mistakes Most Make to Prolong the Affair and their Misery .

A shift most have to make in surviving an affair is how they initially approach their cheating husband or cheating wife. In my free ecourse I outline 7 Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair, the misery and agony. This free e-course begins shaping your thinking in a way that gives you the first steps of change that will give you the personal power you need in surviving and eventually overcoming and thriving through the infidelity and affair. For instance, you will shift past: saying I love you.. and know exactly why you are doing that suggesting counseling…and know exactly why this doesn’t work saying you’ve changed…and be able to see the positive impact on him/her of NOT using this phrase and more…. and begin employing words and actions which have the best chance of stopping the affair and bring about healing.

Surviving affair Shift #2: You CAN’T DIRECTLY stop the affair.

In order to survive infidelity and an affair means that you have to shift away from the thought and the effort that you can stop the affair. Attempting to directly stop the affair is often a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry, that’s the bad news. The good news: Many people often end the affair by using “indirect” approaches. These strategies often work, to the astonishment of the offended partner or spouse. For example, you can learn the powerful strategy of “backing off” when applied to a “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair. Again, surviving an affair means making some shifts that right now you may not even consider to be possible.

Surviving affair Shift #3: Overcoming the Stigma and Isolation of being the “Wounded Spouse”
Another shift in surviving an affair is to reach out. Of course, it’s not easy, at least not in the beginning stages of discovering infidelity, to reach out to family and friends for support and encouragement. However, many people find support and a listening ear to be indispensable – certainly in those very early hours and days – in surviving infidelity and the affair.

As unreasonable as it seems, many people feel embarrassment and humiliation when they initially discover that their spouse is having an affair. They don’t want to tell anyone. (They also think that if the affair ends and the marriage is restored, it would NOT be helpful to have others know what happened.) And so, many suffer in silence or make knee-jerk, uninformed decisions that harm the process.

Surviving affair Shift #4: Knowledge becomes Power
Surviving an affair means you seek out knowledge. And, this knowledge will generate shifts in your thinking about infidelity and affairs that will give you newfound courage, power and hope. Affairs are  exceeding complex. Did you know that? The grocery store check-out tabloids don’t convey the complexity of affair relationships. There are different kinds of affairs, each with varying nuances and different motivations. I outline 7 distinctive kinds of affairs in my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” This introduction to infidelity will jump-start your change and healing process. Surviving an affair is often dependent on knowing exactly what you need to say and do in terms of the specific kind of affair facing you. In conjunction with the 7 types of affairs, I outline specific approaches to use with each different type of affair you may encounter.

Warning: Using a strategy for one type of affair may work but may be disaster when used for a different type of affair.

Surviving affair Shift #5: Make the right decisions.
Decision making is vital to surviving an affair or infidelity. There are all kinds of decision-making situations that you will encounter. For example, to truly save the marriage, if that is what you want to do, it is imperative to first seriously entertain the question, should you stay or should you go? Or, should s/he stay? Or, should s/he go? Maybe you never even thought in those terms. Or, maybe, you simply don’t WANT to think in those terms. You must also ask the question: “Do I truly want to save the marriage (want to be married to him/her) or do I want the marriage for my own personal needs?” There is a huge difference (your cheating husband or wife will intuitively know). Take some time with this question before major decisions and strategies are formulated.

Surviving infidelity and an affair in a healthy and proactive manner forces you to alter your thinking, uncomfortably at first, to give you the most potential for resolving the crisis, restoring your sanity and potentially salvaging the marriage.